If an issue is to be discussed, do it in kindness.
I love the picture of this couple, walking beside each other on a cold, gloomy day. Sometimes life feels like that as we address hard issues. I imagine this couple working through something difficult.
I still remember a BYU mission prep class, when Randy Bott taught us about resolving conflict (whether with a mission companion, or in marriage). He said that it’s best to walk BESIDE your companion, and think of the conflict as something IN FRONT OF YOU instead of facing each other and viewing the other person as your problem. You face the problem TOGETHER, as a team. You throw darts at the problem, not at each other.
You may not have taken a class on healthy communication. That’s okay. We don’t have to be perfect communicators. Usually our HEART comes through, even when our words don’t say it right.
But here are a few communication tips:
-Use a calm, quiet voice
-Be careful and considerate
-Avoid unkind words or accusations
-Avoid using absolute words like “you NEVER” or “you ALWAYS” or “I HATE it when”
-Instead, start with your feelings, and say “I feel ________ when you _________”
-Be sure to sandwich the negative with a lot of positive (Remember Gottman’s 5:1 rule)
-Recognize good intentions.
-Recognize your own faults
-Give the other person a chance to share their view
-Listen with love, humility, and genuine interest to understand
-Be willing to apologize first
-Be the first one to ask, ‘what can I do to be better for you?”
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